Everything You Need To Know About Choosing The Right Guy
“Women cannot
complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” ~
Bill Maher
All the
relationship advice in the world won’t make any difference if you’re choosing
the wrong guy. This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. Women
hammer away, trying to pound the proverbial square peg into a round hole, then
wonder what they’re doing wrong, why they can’t seem to make it fit, why they
can’t get the love they want. You can’t turn a losing stock into a winning
stock. You can’t force someone to change and to want what you want. You can’t
convince someone to feel a certain way about you.
I spent way
too long chasing after guys who wouldn’t or couldn’t give me what I wanted, and
then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didn’t get me lasting love! The
problem was simple: I was choosing the wrong men. It sounds straightforward
enough, but it’s a very tricky thing. We fall for these guys because it feels
so right, because we’re swept up in the passion, the chemistry, and the intoxicating
aura of unavailability; we get sucked into the space that exists when someone
is just beyond our reach and it makes us yearn for him. We convince ourselves
that this is it, that he’s the one and we just need to make him see it.
This is where
the problems develop. This is where all the questions and tears and doubt and
uncertainties and fears start to consume you. You mistake these feelings for
true love because maybe you’ve never felt this way before, and you think it
must be because this guy is different and this relationship is meant to last.
This is just
a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the wrong guy. If
you’re hung up on a man who can’t commit or won’t commit or who is mean to you
or who is just a mean person in general, a guy with baggage, a guy with serious
issues, a guy who you think would be perfect “if only” he changed such and
such, then you’re setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you
are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.
Where Healthy Relationships Begin
Before we
talk about what to look for in a guy, it’s important to look at how
relationships begin. The start of a relationship can oftentimes color our
lenses and sometimes lead us down a bad path and into a toxic relationship.
Here’s a
situation that may sound familiar to you (it was certainly a recurring theme
for me in my single life!) You meet someone, something clicks, and suddenly it
feels like a force outside of you has taken over.
After this
encounter you can’t—for the life of you—get this guy out of your head. You try
to think about other things but nothing works. You ruminate over every detail
of your interaction with him—what he said, what you said, what his body
language said. You think about the things you wish you had said.
You check
your phone constantly to see if he called or texted. If he does, your stomach
drops, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and shout for joy. And
then of course you need to figure out the exact right thing to say back to him,
the perfect quip to show him that you’re perfect for each other.
The high
continues as you venture into a relationship, and it becomes even more intense.
You never quite know where you stand with him. The uncertainty keeps you on
your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an
ominous foreshadowing. This emotional rollercoaster is as thrilling as it is
exhausting. You’re hooked. The worst possible thing that could happen is him
leaving. It’s a fear you can’t quite shake no matter how promising the
situation looks, a fear that drives everything you say and do.
Now another
scenario.
You meet a
guy, you think he’s nice and all, you have a good conversation, and he gets
your number. While you’re pleased, you don’t go into a tizzy over it. You may
check his Facebook profile, but only for a few minutes. You are happy to hear
from him if he calls or texts, but you don’t notice the hours that pass in
between your interactions. You go out a few times, not expecting much, but soon
enough your interest and attraction begin to grow. Things feel calm, there’s no
drama, no heart palpitations … and it feels really nice.
Which
relationship do you think has a stronger chance of survival?
Instinctively,
you would say the second one. In real life, you would fall for the first.
That’s because the first scenario illustrates everything we’ve ever been told
about love.
In movies and
romance novels, love is this grand, all-consuming force that takes you over in
the most dramatic of ways. There are huge obstacles to overcome, but it’s OK
because love conquers all! I mean, would any of us have cared for “The
Notebook” if Ali and Noah were of the same social status, went on a few
lukewarm dates, then got to know each other and developed a deepening connection
over time? Don’t think so.
Unhealthy Relationships Start With a Pull
Relationships
that start from a place of pure, unadulterated passion can seldom survive
unless they have some substance and depth of connection to stand on. Explosive
chemistry isn’t what creates a lasting, healthy relationship. It can lead to
great sex and feelings of euphoria, and you may come to understand why they say
love is a drug, but no matter how intense and all consuming, that sort of thing
is seldom sustainable long term.
When you feel
a strong and sudden pull towards someone else, the kind that causes you to turn
him from mere mortal to deity-like being, something sinister is usually at
play. OK, maybe not sinister, but something that isn’t exactly what you would
term romantic. There are a few good reasons why we might become inexplicably
drawn to someone who isn’t good for us.
Imago Theory
This theory,
developed by clinical pastoral counselor Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., posits that
the pull we feel towards another person is guided by our unconscious desire to
rectify some issue from our past. Imago is Latin for image, and the theory
essentially states that we unconsciously seek partners who reflect the image of
our primary caregivers so that we can try to heal lingering wounds inflicted by
them by working through issues with someone in their image. These relationships
present the opportunity to heal ourselves and become whole again, but they also
pose the risk of continuing to pour salt into open wounds.
How it pans
out is something like this: if your parents always made you feel like you
weren’t good enough, you may seek out guys who make you feel like you’re not
good enough, then try to win them over in an attempt to rectify those painful
feelings from your past.
If your
father was very critical, you may find yourself drawn to a man who is very
critical, trying to win his love and approval in order to heal from the hurt of
your father’s rejection. These decisions aren’t conscious, they happen very
deep beneath the surface in areas we can’t easily access. When we meet someone,
we immediately sense everything about him, especially the way he makes us feel
(again, this happens unconsciously).
On a
conscious level, you may assess the things he says, but on an unconscious
level, you’re looking at his body language, his tone, the way he phrases
things, how much eye contact he makes, his whole demeanor. If your unconscious
finds something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of an
unresolved hurt from the past, it will light up and push you towards that
person.
You may also
unconsciously seek out partners who have some quality that is underdeveloped in
you. For example, if you’re a Type A workaholic and always wished you could
ease up, you may be drawn to a laid-back partner who isn’t so driven.
Maybe this
sounds a little too New Agey to you, or maybe it doesn’t describe your
situation at all, but it’s a powerful concept and it has gained a
lot of praise
and recognition in the field of psychology so it’s worth considering. I know
I’ve seen some of this at play in my own dating life.
Infatuation
Being
infatuated sounds like a grand, romantic thing, but it can actually be quite
dangerous. The problem with infatuation is it isn’t based on anything real.
Infatuation causes you to fall in love with an image rather than an actual
person. It causes you to put someone on a pedestal and overlook his flaws.
Since he’s so “perfect,” you become afraid to be yourself—I mean, how could
your true self ever compete with perfection?
You don’t want to say the wrong thing and scare him off, so you aren’t genuine in your interactions. You rely on his approval so desperately that you also become a bit needy. You may not act needy, but it’s something that lurks beneath the surface and he will pick up on it … men always do. You lose your sense of worth because it becomes so wrapped up in how he feels about you.
You don’t want to say the wrong thing and scare him off, so you aren’t genuine in your interactions. You rely on his approval so desperately that you also become a bit needy. You may not act needy, but it’s something that lurks beneath the surface and he will pick up on it … men always do. You lose your sense of worth because it becomes so wrapped up in how he feels about you.
Healthy Relationships Build Slowly
Healthy
relationships usually begin with mutual interest and attraction that grows over
time. This is the complete opposite of unhealthy relationships, which usually
start out with a grand light show that quickly simmers into ash. If you can
internalize this, it will change the way you date forever.
The most
important trait to develop is objectivity. No one really talks about that
because it’s not so sexy, but if you want to find lasting love and prevent
yourself from getting hurt, you’ll need to learn how to use your head a little
more than your heart, at least in the beginning. Your heart can lead you into
all kinds of bad places. Your heart is the one that tells you it’s a great idea
to go for the bad boy who’s just so dreamy, even when he’s out on parole and
struggling with addictions, or has told you he won’t be in a committed
relationship, ever. Your heart convinces you that the heart wants what the
heart wants and who are you to deny your heart? Your heart doesn’t operate
according to reason or rational. It makes you do things that you later look
back on and wonder, what was I thinking? But you weren’t thinking, that’s not
what the heart does. OK, I know I’m being mean to the heart. It does have its
benefits, but that comes later. In the beginning of a relationship, it’s best
to remain as objective as possible and try to keep your emotions mostly
contained.
The best way
to do this is to try to go slowly. Ease into the relationship instead of diving
in head first. This will create an environment for you to allow your level of
interest and attraction to grow steadily over time, rather than flooding you
all at once in a big emotional tsunami.
If you spend
all your time with him, you risk overlooking critical information about who he
really is and if the relationship is built to last. Just because two people
feel strongly for each other it doesn’t always mean they can be together.
It is
imperative to have a foundation of compatibility, shared goals and interests,
and common values. Some things simply can’t be negotiated. Before you
emotionally invest, it is wise to determine if you are fundamentally
compatible. And the best way to do this is to go slowly. I don’t necessarily
mean physically, I mean emotionally.
When you
first meet someone, you want to spend every minute of every day with him. You
talk for hours and hours on the phone, text all day, you can’t get enough. The
obvious reason this is problematic is because you may end up relying too
heavily on the relationship for your happiness, but also, you don’t get a break
from the emotional excitement and stimulation of it all. Then, if you realize
this guy may not be right for you, you’ll be in too deep to get yourself out of
the situation. You’ll instead rely on some cliché like “love conquers all” to
justify staying with him.
I am not
saying to stay away from guys you feel a strong immediate attraction to and
only date guys you’re only “meh” about. I think you should date both kinds of
guy—the infatuation guy could turn out to be a loser and the “meh” guy could
turn out to be the love of your life. (I’ve seen it happen countless times!)
Either way
you have to date smart. This will come more naturally with “meh” than it will
with the object of your infatuation.
If you just
met or just started seeing someone, I strongly advise that you try to limit how
much time you spend with him early on. Try to not go on more than two dates a
week or engage in marathon texting sessions that go all day. When you do this,
you never get a break from the emotional high and you don’t get a chance to
come back down and recalibrate.
So many girls
make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about them rather
than focusing on how they feel about him.
You can avoid
falling into this trap by doing regular reality checks. Make sure you see him
and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you can
recognize his flaws. The way you know you’re infatuated is if you see no
flaws. Everyone has flaws.
Why It Matters
When you get
in over your head, you may convince yourself that something like him wanting to
live only in the country and you wanting to live only in the city is not such a
big deal. Someone who maintains a more objective perspective would acknowledge
that she would be miserable living in the country, and since this guy wouldn’t
choose to live anywhere else, she would get out of the situation.
I’ve seen
(and personally experienced) many situations where a couple breaks up after a
long period of time because of some issue that was apparent right from the
beginning—they’re different religions, want to live in different states, one
person doesn’t want kids. In every one of these situations, the couple believed
that things would magically just work out. Imagine how much time and effort
they would have saved and heartbreak they would have avoided had they been
dating with their heads instead of
their hearts from the beginning.
their hearts from the beginning.
Qualities That Make Him a Keeper
A lot of
women write to me begging to understand why their relationships always fail …
why guys treat them badly…why they always get hurt … why they can’t get a guy
to commit. The common thread in most of these cases is that these women are
choosing men who clearly are not husband—or even relationship—material and
hoping that by some chance the men will suddenly transform into the knights in
shining armor they want. This type of situation doesn’t exist anywhere aside
from cheesy romantic comedies. If you choose to pursue a relationship with a
guy who clearly isn’t relationship material, then you’re setting yourself up to
fail before you even begin.
Trust me, I
know all too well how enticing those damage cases can be. Sure, he has
emotional issues, he’s jaded, he’s struggling at work, he has no direction, he
still acts like a frat boy even though his
acting-like-a-drunk-idiot-and-getting-away-with-it days expired years ago, but
there’s a really great guy underneath all that and as soon as we deal with all
this other stuff, then we’ll have an amazing relationship. I’m sorry, but no.
The problem
with these damage cases is that they often have a lot of the qualities we want,
but not the ones we actually need. There is a big difference between wants and
needs when it comes to relationships, but it’s not always easy to make the
distinction. You might want a guy who is tall and strapping and charismatic and
a CEO of a major company, but a guy with those credentials might have a host of
other qualities that aren’t good for you and don’t fulfill your fundamental
emotional needs. My husband is the opposite of the “ideal man” I had envisioned
for myself, but even though he doesn’t have certain qualities I used to
consider requirements, he is exactly what I need. That was clear to me and
everyone around me very early into our relationship.
When I hit
that stage in life where I realized I was done dating for the sake of dating
and wanted to settle down and find “the one,” I realized that the kinds of guys
I liked to date weren’t necessarily husband material, and I had to really examine
my list of wants and needs and figure out the differences between the two.
Doing so made all the difference. Suddenly the damage cases who were once oh so
appealing did nothing for me.
Whether
you’re single, dating, or in a serious relationship, these are the most
essential qualities you need to look for in a man, the ones that tell you
beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one and this is it.
- He loves your
good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without making you feel guilty
for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put
on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self
and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will
make him feel even closer to you. - He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him. A partnership will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise. Life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine.
- He considers you when making decisions, both big and small. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you and that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world. Our worlds can be comfortable when we don’t have to compromise, so it’s not always easy taking someone else into account and factoring in their wants and needs and preferences, but that’s what a relationship is.
- He is growth oriented. No one is perfect; we all have flaws. And these flaws aren’t black and white—usually a person’s greatest strength is linked to his greatest weakness. In a relationship, his behavior affects you (and vice versa) and sometimes his less developed traits will have a negative impact on you. A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say it’s your problem and that this is just the way he is and you need to deal with it.
- For example, let’s say you’re dating a guy who can be insensitive at times. Maybe he doesn’t give you emotional support when you’ve had a rough day and instead just gives you matter of fact advice in a direct way. His no-nonsense approach to solving problems might be useful to him in the workplace, but it might be hurtful to you sometimes when he doesn’t empathize with what you’re going through and instead just tells you what to do about it, or gets impatient by the fact that you’re upset over something he doesn’t consider to be that big of a deal.
- You want a guy who will accept that his tone can come across as harsh and hurtful to you and who actually tries to work on it, not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He probably won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth oriented he will at least try.
- He has similar beliefs and values. This one seems so obvious yet it’s so often overlooked. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead. If he is going to be your life partner, you have to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand (and vice versa) and that you’re both willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling understanding about your differences.
- Everyone’s values are different. For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, while some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. It may sound trivial, but I’ve seen very serious, long-term relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation.
- He views you as his partner. The relationship is something more than each of you individually … together, you and he are a team. And as that team, you are both individually stronger than you could be on your own. He sees you as his equal, as a person of great value, someone he can grow with. Not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, or be there solely to satisfy his needs.
- He respects everything about you—your thoughts, ambitions, opinions, the things you say, the company you keep, your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances and he appreciates the person you are and the choices you have made.
- He wants to make you happy. One of a man’s most fundamental needs in a relationship is to make his girl happy. It may not always feel like it or look like it, but it’s true. In order to truly bond with a woman, a man needs to feel like he can make her happy. And when a man truly cares for a woman, he wants to do whatever it takes to make her happy. Love is a selfless thing. If you love people because they make you feel great about yourself, then it isn’t real love. When a man shows he genuinely cares about you and your happiness, even if it sometimes comes at the expense of his own happiness, then you know his feelings are for real.
- He communicates with you, even about tough issues and even if one of you is upset with the other. With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the boat. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication.
- He wants the same kind of commitment you want. A guy can have all the qualities on this list, but if he doesn’t want to marry you (or commit in the way you want), or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not for you. When a guy is ready to get married and meets a girl he thinks he can spend his life with, he knows pretty early on. That’s not to say he’ll get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too. Maybe he tells her or maybe it’s so obvious he doesn’t even need to. It might be the wrong time, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career or more financially stable, but he will still convey his level of commitment; she won’t be left hanging and guessing and wondering.
- If he still feels like he has wild oats to sow and is drawn to the single, bachelor, party-boy lifestyle, he is not commitment minded and you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If what you want is a serious, lasting commitment, make sure he is on the same page before you become invested. When a guy is ready for a serious commitment, it’s usually pretty obvious. And if it isn’t, then bring it up and discuss it with him. If he’s husband material, he’ll understand. If he isn’t … then at least now you know before it’s too late! And yes, I understand that not every woman makes getting married a goal and I respect that. But I’m speaking to those who want a lasting commitment, be it marriage or a partnership without a legal piece of paper.
But the Most Important Quality of All Is …
He wants to
make it work. He’s willing to put in any amount of effort. If there is a
problem, he wants to find a way to solve it. He wants to work harder, to be
better, to be his best self. The important thing to keep in mind is that people
have different ideas about what it means to put effort into a relationship. He
might believe that working hard and being good at his job is putting in effort
because he wants to provide for you and give you nice things and a comfortable
lifestyle. (I use this as an example because it’s a classic point of contention
between men and women: she will often view him working too much as him putting
no effort into the relationship and being married to his work).
I remember
the exact moment I knew my husband was the one. After about a month of
everything being perfect (as they usually are in the beginning), we had our
first conflict. It was nothing major; we just started experiencing areas where
our personalities clashed and seeing how we process things differently. I tend
to be more intellectual and straightforward in my thinking, while he’s more
emotional and dynamic in his thinking. I would get impatient with this, and my
impatience was hurtful to him. The details don’t really matter, what matters is
that I remember the way he brought the issue up and how sincere he was about
working through things and getting to a place of better understanding.
I have seen
countless variations of this kind of scenario: girl is dating a guy, things are
going great (again, as they often do in the beginning), but then they hit that
inevitable point of conflict. Maybe she acts needy or maybe he gets distant,
but whatever happens suddenly things aren’t as seamless as they were the week
before. Then he decides he can’t hang anymore and tells her he “doesn’t have
time for a relationship” or he can’t give her what she needs. The girl racks
her brain trying to figure out what she did wrong, what she could have done
differently.
She thinks if
she hadn’t been so needy, if she had been a little more chilled out, if she
hadn’t done this and instead done that. Really, the only way things would have
turned out differently is if she had behaved perfectly according to his script,
if she’d never disagreed or been unhappy with him, if she’d been perfectly in
alignment with his thoughts and what he wanted in a partner. That sounds
reasonable, right? (That’s sarcasm in case it didn’t come across!)
If a guy
leaves when things get a little rocky, it means he is lacking in the most
important quality you need in a partner, and that is a man who is committed not
only to you, but to making it work. It’s easy to be in a relationship when
everything is all sunshine and roses. The truth comes out after time goes on,
when you let your guard down, when you can be more of yourselves instead of the
absolute best version of yourselves. Even the best couples don’t seamlessly fit
together. There is always a certain degree of work involved in order to create
that deep and meaningful connection, and it has to come from both people.
When a guy is
ready to settle down and sees you as a good potential partner, he wants to make
it work. He wants to overcome the differences, to get to a place of better
understanding. My husband and I are so different. The way we think and feel is
different, and the way we communicate is different. In the beginning of our
relationship this definitely caused problems, but now, after really committing
to working on it, we have hit this amazing place of understanding and are so
much more in sync. The differences still exist, but we were able to meet in the
middle. Even when things got difficult, I wasn’t any less sure he was the guy
for me because of how deeply committed he was to making it work.
A big mistake
I see women making is blaming themselves when a relationship falls apart. They
torture themselves with could haves and should haves. I should have been less
needy, I should have been more agreeable, I could have been more supportive,
etc. Yeah, you could have done all that, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he
wasn’t committed to making it work.
There will
always be differences, there will always be problems, you will not always
behave exactly how he wants a partner to behave (same for him).
A
relationship isn’t about finding the perfect match, it’s about finding someone
you can form a meaningful, lasting partnership with. Notice the word form. It’s
an active process; it doesn’t just exist. It’s about working together, being a
team, and overcoming the challenges.
Some people
have deal-breakers and that’s that. Maybe it’s religion or where to live or
lifestyle preferences. But all the other stuff—personality quirks, your nature,
your ways of interacting in social settings, your fundamental traits … either
he’s in it or he’s not. And if he’s not, then there is nothing you can do.
Red Flags You Should Never Ignore
Every
relationship is different and comes with a unique set of circumstances.
However, there are some universal standards that indicate a guy isn’t the right
one for you, a few red flags that should never be ignored but usually are.
You Don’t Trust Him
Without
trust, there is no relationship. Period. In a good, strong, healthy
relationship you feel at ease. You feel safe. You feel secure. You do not feel
constantly panicked and on edge, always anticipating the proverbial other shoe
to drop.
If you don’t
believe the things he tells you or are always questioning his motives and his
whereabouts, there is something majorly amiss. You can’t spend your life
constantly on the lookout; that’s just exhausting.
Sometimes a
lack of trust develops because of something substantial. Maybe he cheated,
maybe you caught him in a few too many lies. And sometimes it’s something that
lingers in the pit of your gut. Even though you can’t quantify the reason, you
just don’t feel like you can trust this person. Either way, it’s a big red flag
and a major sign that your relationship isn’t going to last.
If he cheated
on you or lied to you, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself when you
decide if you can truly move past it and if you really, genuinely believe that
he’ll never do the same thing again. If you can’t get to that place, then there
isn’t much point in sticking it out. You’re just setting yourself up for a life
in which you always feel paranoid and insecure. Relationships are supposed to
bring out your best, not your worst.
If you can’t
quite pinpoint the reason for your trust issues, you should listen to your gut.
Our gut instincts can be incredibly powerful. Just make sure you aren’t
projecting your own insecurities onto him and aren’t making him pay for the
sins of a cheating/lying ex.
There Is No Depth of Connection
Sexual
chemistry is great and is definitely important, but that alone can’t sustain a
relationship. An amazing sex life is only one piece of the puzzle, yet for a
lot of couples it’s the only leg the relationship has to stand on. I know so,
so many women who got so engulfed by the intoxicating chemistry they
experienced with their partner that they overlooked every sign that clearly
showed he wasn’t the one … and wasn’t even that great of a person.
For a
relationship to last, you need to have depth of connection. You need to know
your partner intimately, and this goes way beyond his bedroom skills. You need
to know who he is, what he wants out of life, and what his hopes, dreams, and
fears are. You need to connect to each other in an honest, unguarded way.
Each person
is composed of many layers. In our lives, some people see the surface layer, a
select few see what lies beneath the exterior, and very few see straight to the
core. Your life partner should be in the last group.
Knowing the
basics about someone isn’t knowing who they are. If you know the same things
about your guy as most of the other people in his life, then you don’t have
much depth of connection.
Fortunately, this issue is one that can be fixed. Try to make an effort to connect to him in a real way. If he resists, or you still don’t feel like you’re connecting in a significant way, then it means he’s probably not that invested in you or the relationship. Or maybe you’re just not the right fit for one another.
Fortunately, this issue is one that can be fixed. Try to make an effort to connect to him in a real way. If he resists, or you still don’t feel like you’re connecting in a significant way, then it means he’s probably not that invested in you or the relationship. Or maybe you’re just not the right fit for one another.
Attraction
and sexual chemistry are never enough to sustain a relationship. If that’s all
you have that’s fine, but you might want to move on if you’re serious about
finding the one.
Lack of Respect
Respect is
the most overlooked element when it comes to making a relationship work, but
it’s one of the most essential. If you’re going to have a long-lasting, healthy
relationship, you must respect your partner and he must respect you.
Respect is
huge for guys. In fact, I’d say it’s the number one thing men want out of their
relationship. Just as most women need to feel loved and adored, men need to
feel respected and admired. A man needs to feel like the man; he needs to feel
respected. If you don’t respect him or the way he lives his life, he will
resent you and will not want to be with you long term.
At the same
time, you need to be with a partner who respects you. This means he respects
you as a person: your beliefs, your aspiration, and especially your boundaries.
Eye rolling
has actually been shown by famous relationship researcher John Gottman to be a
big predictor of divorce, and it’s no surprise … eye rolling is a manifestation
of contempt, which is the opposite of respect.
He Brings out Your Worst
As I
mentioned earlier, relationships are supposed to bring out your best.
The sad fact
is, a lot of women end up shackled to a person who brings out their worst.
Sometimes you
might not even recognize the person that your relationship has turned you into.
That was definitely the case for me many years back before I knew any better. I
made the same mistake countless women make. I got so caught up in my feelings
for the guy that I overlooked the fact that I didn’t really like myself all
that much when I was around him.
Throughout
the course of my yearlong relationship with Eric, I was unrecognizable from my
previous confident, happy, positive self. Instead I felt insecure, panicked,
anxious, and perpetually on edge, but I couldn’t let go because of my strong
feelings for him. Those feelings locked me in a tight grip, and it was only
when the relationship inevitably imploded that I was able to see just how toxic
the situation truly was.
It wasn’t
that he was a bad guy; he was just bad for me. It’s a fact that would have
saved me years of heartache had I realized it sooner. While getting myself out
of that relationship felt impossible, the end was always inevitable because we
brought out the worst in each other.
The point is,
a relationship should lift you higher, not drag you down. It should help you
reach your potential and become the best version of yourself. Of course
relationships can’t be all sunshine and roses all the time. They take patience
and work. But this work leads to a positive place, a place of growth and
understanding and more love and connection. Bad relationships are ones where
the work involved is expending energy on fighting and arguing and trying to
win. A relationship won’t always feel perfect and pleasant, but overall it will
help you grow into a better person, as long as you’re with a good guy who is
committed to making it work and loves and appreciates you for who you are.
He Doesn’t Take Responsibility
One of the
biggest relationship red flags is when someone won’t take responsibility for
anything and instead blames you, maybe using a justification along the lines
of, “Well I wouldn’t yell at you if you weren’t being so annoying.” Rather than
admitting when he’s wrong, he comes up with excuses and justifications for his
behaviors and reasons to blame you.
One of the
biggest indicators of psychopaths or sociopaths is not being able to take
responsibility; it’s a fundamental lack of empathy that prevents them from ever
being able to see the other person’s perspective. However, it doesn’t always
start out this way. In the beginning he’s enraptured by you and everything you
do is right. Then suddenly he’s unhappy and he blames you for everything that’s
wrong. If you erroneously reason that you’re the problem, he may feed this
mentality. You don’t inspire him enough, you don’t give him what he needs, you
aren’t supportive enough, you’re always negative. It’s always you, never him.
I’m not
saying every guy who can’t take responsibility is a psycho; he could just be
immature. But it is something to keep in mind because narcissists are out there
and this is one of their key features.
He’s Selfish
I have a
friend who was seeing a guy she really liked, and she continued to date him
even though he was clearly a bit immature and selfish and not ready to settle
down (we joked that he had her sexmotized and that’s why she wasn’t able to
break free of his spell). There were signs of trouble all over the place, but
most were little things and that’s why they were easy to sweep under the rug.
For example,
one night she suggested they go to a vegetarian Indian restaurant she loved,
and he got all pissy and said there wasn’t a point in going out for Indian food
if he couldn’t eat meat. Never mind the fact that he always chose the
restaurants, that they always did what he wanted, that they always slept at his
apartment because that’s what he wanted, or the fact that he had told her to
pick a place for dinner. It was the one time she got to decide something, and
she was overruled because it wasn’t what he wanted.
This may seem
like a silly example, but it demonstrates the essence of selfishness, one that
will continue to pop up when dealing with a selfish person. And in that
relationship, it did, over and over until finally she couldn’t take it anymore
and ended it. (This launched the make-up and break-up cycle for a while,
because that’s what happens when you linger in a relationship with the wrong
guy, but eventually they cut it off for good.)
Selfish
people also tend to engage in selfish love. That is, they love you when you
make them feel good; when you’re behaving how they want you to, they’re the
best partners ever. When you go off script, then they withdraw and won’t do
anything for you in a sort of tit-for-tat retaliation.
That’s not
how a relationship works. A relationship isn’t there to serve one person. It’s
a partnership and it’s about working together, not one person working for the
other.
Let Your Gut Be Your Guide
I mentioned
the importance of listening to your gut earlier and want to get into it a
little deeper because it’s an essential skill, one that can keep you out of
sticky situations.
At the end of
the day, you usually already know the answers to your dating questions. The
lists I provided of qualities to look for and red flags to watch out for can
help you see things more clearly, maybe making it harder to hide from what’s
right in front of you, but oftentimes you already know. You know when a guy
isn’t worthy of you—when you’re wasting your time, when you’re not being
treated the way you would like to be treated or the way you know you deserve to
be treated—but you push this knowledge down because you just don’t want to deal
with it. You don’t want to deal with a breakup, with putting yourself back on
the market, with dating more guys, navigating the waters, trying to find a guy
who cares about you. You don’t want to because it’s exhausting! It seems
somehow easier to stick with what’s broken and try to just make it work.
In a good,
strong, healthy relationship, you feel loved and secure. You don’t question
whether your man is using you and if the things he says are genuine. You just
feel at ease. Feeling constantly on edge, waiting anxiously for the other shoe
to drop, is usually a sign that something is amiss and your instincts are
trying to open your eyes to a reality you don’t want to see.
Your gut is a
powerful tool in relationships. It’s something we all possess and it can be
fine-tuned to work optimally. The way to get in touch with it is to listen to
what it’s telling you. Listen to that small, quiet voice that gently tells you:
“You deserve more than this, you don’t need this guy.”
The voice of
your ego is loud and overpowering. It tells you “Of course he’s the guy for
you! So what if he disappears for days at a time, he told you that you were the
most amazing women he’s ever met, so I mean, DUH! He loves you.”
Your ego
shouts over the noise and convinces you that the outcome you want is reality
because it has a lot at stake should this not be the case.
Most people
allow their egos to get so entangled in their relationships that when the
relationship collapses, their ego comes crashing down with it and then absolute
misery ensues.
Our
unconscious mind has a whole arsenal of information that our conscious mind
doesn’t have easy access to. It has stored up pretty much everything that’s
ever happened to us and makes decisions accordingly.
Have you ever
met someone and liked him right away even though you barely knew him? Or maybe
you meet someone who seems perfectly nice, but you just can’t stand her? This
is the unconscious at work. The people we’re drawn to oftentimes remind us of
people we’ve had positive encounters with in the past. So too with the people
we don’t like right off the bat.
You can pick
up on things subconsciously without even realizing it, and it will cause you to
have a feeling that you can’t quite pinpoint or explain.
The point is,
most of the time you already know the answer. The problem is that you wish it
were a different answer so instead of accepting it you whittle away what you
know with rationalizations.
Here are a
few tips to help you get better acquainted with your gut:
- Ask yourself a question and listen for the immediate answer. For example, if you’re debating whether or not to dump your boyfriend, ask yourself: “Should I break up with him?” and listen to what first pops into your head. The real answer will most often come first, and then the excuses and justifications will pile on top.
- Make the decision and then listen to your body. If it’s a bad decision you’ll feel an aversion to it, usually in the pit of your stomach.
- Check with a friend. It can help to get an outsider’s perspective because sometimes we can mistake wishful thinking for our gut instincts. Talk to a friend you trust for a dose of objectivity.
- Practice mindfulness. Most people live their lives bouncing from one thing to the next—work, errands, happy hour. There isn’t that much time to listen to our own thoughts. Try to stay mindful and conscious throughout the day and check in with yourself to see what you’re thinking and feeling. It also helps to set aside some reflection time. You can use this time to meditate, do yoga, journal, take a walk around the park—anything that will give you the space to check in with yourself.
Remember
this: Choice is everything. It will largely determine if a relationship
succeeds and lasts or fails and leaves you broken-hearted. The good news is
that you have the power to choose the man you let into your life. Choose
wisely!
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